Lisa's story is one of redemption and hope and she has been gracious enough to allow me to share it here. You can view the original article at www.pranaprogram.com.
When Lisa originally shared this story, I asked her how doing so had affected her on a scale from cathartic to neither here nor there. Her response,
"I think the deep catharsis has taken place, but every time there is an element of deeper freedom...for which I am infinitely grateful. In the old days, I'd have wanted to binge on food afterward to stamp out whatever energy (emotions) bubbled up. Now, the energizing effect is one of healthy outlets and desire to FEEL..and nourish myself in a way that balances me out with yoga or social activities, etc."Now, to her story...
Enjoy!
---
In 1987 I contracted Hepatitis C. At the time it wasn’t even a recognized disease, and it would be nearly a decade later before I would discover this fact. By the time I did find out, accidently actually, when donating blood, I was a very scared, 29 year-old, single mom to a 5 year-old, whose drug-addicted father was rarely, if ever around. I was devastated by the doctor’s then death-sentence-like prognosis.
My initial devastation morphed into a deepening fear, which spiraled into a depression, and the next few months were spent in a lethargic haze with little energy to take care of my son and run my antique shop. I recall a particular call to one of my brothers, telling him that despite my great kid, nice home, and successful business, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and wait to die. My inner voice just kept repeating the mantra “why me, why me?” I felt like a victim: hurt, scared, and angry. It seemed I was in an irreversible tailspin, out of control, and sure to crash.
But somehow, I didn’t crash. Something clicked. And my internal mantra changed from “why me” to “why not me” and an attitude of accountability and proactivity began to wash away the angry victim-mode which had encompassed me. I knew I had to do something to break away for good, and while uncharacteristic of me, I decided that if I was dying from a horrible disease, I had to get away and spend some time with my son. I gathered up my son, some supplies, closed my shop for a week, and drove to a beach. For the next week, i allowed the salty air and the ocean to begin to wash away the paralyzing and debilitating thoughts which were holding me in a prison of my own making. I was getting clarity. A plan…
I became very proactive, deciding that the GI/hepatologist, who wanted to put me on drugs and told me the diet had nothing to do with the liver (I swear he told me that), was NOT the path I would choose.. I wanted to be PERFECT regarding health, nutrition, etc..I went to an iridologist, a naturopath, an acupuncturist, various energy work healers, etc. took all the right supplements to support healthy organs..esp. for liver, gall bladder, etc, studied up on it, traveled to hear the latest and greatest research from mainstream docs, integrative docs, famous authors, researchers, etc.
I ate gluten-free, yeast-free, drank apple cider vinegar each morning, ate all organic, vegan, had food sensitivity blood work done, followed an alternative MDs yeast-free rotating diet, no dairy, sugar, soy free, and so on. I would hear about a new thing and try it for a while, fine tuning my diet so much that I realized many years later that I’d become orthorexic before there was even a word for it. Besides my diet, I began to walk..then run. Initially it was a very healthy aspect of my life, but being a person of extremes, it grew into an unhealthy obsession and my intention became fear and weight focused instead of the joy of moving and breathing.
I became VERY thin for my body type, and my periods stopped, bone loss ensued, and endocrine system became imbalanced, a condition which is still a challenge in my life. And in time, the very diets which seemed to help me initially, became unhealthy and made me feel poor. My weight began to rise again, and even more importantly, I lacked energy and vitality. Yes, I became empowered after my initial devastating summer, but the focus of health shifted back into an externally focused fear based around old unresolved issues of body image and a quest for perfectionism.
Interestingly, when my diet was the “cleanest” my blood work would show elevated level; however, when I lightened up and released my obsession with being “perfect”, eating that “treat”..the piece of cake (or 3..I am a total sugar addict and moderation in desserts is not my forte..lol) or ice cream, etc… my blood work would be PERFECT…normal levels of everything! it was an anomaly which I believe now was probably a result of my stress hormones telling the story loud and clear.I realized that for ME…stressing and acting from a place of fear and striving for perfection was WAY more unhealthier than eating a Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll every so often.
Years of living in fear of death and illness, and later, shifting that focus to an obsession over weight and body image and food had taken its toll on me. I was on a hamster wheel going nowhere and was exhausted. And the more I allowed fear to guide me, the fatter and unhealthier I became. Without realizing it, when I had lost weight, I allowed my newfound thinness become who I was, and by gaining the weight back, I felt like a failure. It was as if I’d never accomplished anything in my life and my entire identity became my body and nothing else.
Despite believing I had all the answers as I was approaching my thirtieth birthday and adopting a much deeper awareness and willingness to seek health on all levels, I had only peeled away much of the fear that had guided me. And shame. And resentment and its counterpart, anger.
It would take an intervention from my best friend, Walter, nearly a decade after my hepatitis C diagnosis, that I finally began to truly recover and address the issues in my life that had made me physically, emotionally, and spiritually ill. That loving intervention served as a spark which lit my internal fire of personal growth, a windy path full of corkscrews and potholes and forks along the way. Turns out that slipping backwards and falling was just my own path and the real test for me was to keep getting up and growing, peeling away more layers and getting closer to the core. It’s in that core, that center place, where I would begin to see that beyond the fear and shame and anger and resentment, all important parts of my process, there was a sweet spot waiting to be uncovered. In that sweet spot was compassion and self-love. Forgiveness and acceptance was nestled in there as well. And perhaps in the very center was a place of self-worth and self-esteem which reminded me I am worthy of healing and happiness, that place of enoughness.
It’s the PROCESS towards consciousness which is the recovery, not an achievement or perfection.
View the original story at: http://pranaprogram.com/freedom-from-fear-and-perfectionism/
